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Roussis

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[Monday 09:24pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

im getting to the point where i want kill some people
i hate a lot of shit around me right now.
i hate fucking crying but id explode if i didnt
i dont understand how my saying 'well i dont remeber anything that you were saying before so..' could turn to shit
it was meant to be light hearted. to get back on topic. to get off the mix of negative things I did during the conversation and back to what the original subject matter was. i said this.. during the dying momments. it was directed at my mother. this is what happens next, youll get an idea of what happened prior based on the answers and responses to queations and so on. this is also summarized so its my dad/mom and me. and i cut out the back and forth shit.

"what do you mean?"
"i mean i dont remember what you were saying before what point you trying to make"
"does that not show you how you werent paying attention?"
"no it means that i dont remeber everything that was said at the end before... all..this.. stuff happened"
""why cant you admit you werent listening?"
"i was listening i just dont remeber because i got distracted when we started dealing with how i give the impression that im not listening"
"jesus christ why are you always so damn defensive about this, why cant you see it?"
"i do see it, i t was meant to be lighthearted like..to get away from the other stuff. it wasnt meant as anything bad or wtv.."
"its not only that. the way you put it was taking a jab at us. it wasnt anything innocent. you blame us for making it go off topic and you were taking a shot at that fact"
"what? no!? what are you saying"
REPEATED
""what are you talking about? it wasnt meant as anything . i just said it. it wasnt meant as anything. i wasnt taking a shot"
AT THIS POINT DAD STORMS OFF CAUSE THE POOR BABY COULDNT GET A WORD IN
"this is ridiculous..i cannot beleive this is -"
"what are you saying about me? youre saying that i would go to that level of jabbing you? if i didnt care about what you had to saty i woulda nofdded yes yes and picked up my plate and put it to wash. thats it. but i didnt.i asked you what you were saying cause i was interested, cause i wanted to know!"
MOM STARTS TRYING TO EXPLAN IT AGAIN
I REPEAT IT HOLDING IN MY EMOTIONS. I WAS LOUD AT THIS POINT. OBVIOUSLY FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY
SHE BEGINS RE EXPLANING IT TRYING TO FUCKING COVINCE ME OF SOMETHING
I CHOKE TEARS BACK
"You gonna cry? fine..."

THE END

comment?

[Sunday 06:22pm]
things are not well
8 | comment?

It's been a long time [Sunday 01:01am]
i haven't written in this thing in quite some time. i guess i can say hey to everyone who reads this. i assume Stephanie, Catherine, Sophia and maybe Jason. hey Nosaj!

so what's been up?
school is the shit. as in bad. i haven't been as into it as i have in the past. psychology is nothing like i though it would be, Sculpture is damn annoying, photo is alright but the expenses for photo paper and such are heavy on my wallet. i hardly see ANY friends aside from work people AT work, Stephanie at times, even Cyruss isn't as close as i'd liek him to be. I fear things will suffer more when school is over, and even more when Sophia gets her ridiculous hours.

im not doing as well as id like to... my writing is progressing in my vamp project but i need to rework some things.. i forget people arent in my head and i have the reader assume a bit too much.

recently i went to see dredg open for Coheed. they were awesome. met two band members afterword and they were really cool about giving us the time of day. signed CDs and posters. awesome guys. saw jason and ive only seen him in his msn displays.

I celebrated 1 year with Sophia last tuesday. I loved it. i mean... just so great. it started off mal. the previous night was full of dissapointment and misplaced anticipation. thoughts of making love,k... being alone, doing the things we planned or 'I' planned seemed to be backfiring. it's typical of me to bitch and moan when
things dont go my way. i brought it down on my lover too. i'm sorry for that.

Things worked out for the bes tthough. after we took a picture at the corner of McGill and StCat and headed to Second Cup. i was, and she was all smiles. the rain turned to snow before our eyes. it was a beautiful day.
we had some coffee, warm stuff while we talked. Actually, when i went on and on about FORT MINOR The Rising Tide, a new cd from rapper of Linkin Park. its just a great fucking album. i loved every song. rap done right. meaningful, poetic.. rapping about life, real struggle.. covering themes like WW2... no.. no hoes, guns, and money. Mike knocks that crap too. great fuccking album...

yes.. we exchanged presents. i told her to buy the first thing we see. soemthing that reminds us of eachother. nothnig big, extravagent. just simple. i didnt keep my end of the bargain. sorry baby

i got her a jean corset top (which later on didn't fit cause it was still too large and STECH so would get even larger in the wash) and couldnt help myself... so i coughed up my christmas present for her as well. a NYGiants athletic top.. pink. not tackey though. genuine, pure Sophia sexyness. her eyes lit up. i was happy to make her happy.

my mom and aunt went to the hockey game. a thing that i wasn;t sure would happen. this was sthe stree iwas talking about before. but she left. we got happy. we made love. just like we wanted to.

we spent the rest of the time at her house, watching the game and cuddling really. i love her. i really do. Emilio thinks that word is stupid, or at least that it doesn't REALLY exist or something like that. thats why i try to express it more than just words. its flat now. we say i love you a lot. all the time. so lil gifts, lil visits, lil msgs, lil kisses, lil changes like 'i care about you'... 'youre my heart' go a long way.

weve been through some tough times. i mean light tough times. we got into a few disagreements. if you have ever been in a relationship where you cant express your true emotions for a month at a time, youll understand what i mean. things that, kissing, smiling, and cuddling can't solve. its purely chemical, as in your brain kind of shuts off all sense and turns on agressivness that you get uptight and upset over nothing and out of nothing. i hate that that happens. it would be easier if i had someone to talk to about it. Sophia is going through it to. so to talk to her about it would be a vicious circle and only make it feel hopeless.

bah..im lucky to have anybody let alone someone like her. shes beautiful. wow...so gorgeous. her eyes, her lips, neck... i miss her so much. she smells like angels outta smell - Marv

shes so smart, so intelligent, so passionate, so childlike, so adult, so... stubborn. i love it all. only we both are stubborn so we clash at times. which leads to a slew of im sorries, some tears shed... on both sides i must say..a few hugs.. a derrogatory comment..a laugh.. and were back on track. its always my fault though. shes fragile in many ways. as am i.. but ive built up my walls and bridges over the issues i got... so i can support her better than she can. and i love being able to do that. this sounds very... stupid. or... uummmm.. bad? but its hard to express why or how you care about someone. my life isnt very perfect.. but she is. so i should smile more... otherwise i'll wrinkle and have to get creams and stuff to make me look good.

thats all..
4 | comment?

[Sunday 12:22am]
dont pity me. i dont want anyone to. i dont think i understand it fully. i dont think i get what everything is all about ..there are so many angles.. so many views so many possibilities or you doing wrong or right. it doesnt make much sense as to which is the right path. and everyhting is so fucking foggy in the long run anyway. like wtf? how the fuck do you know whats beneficial in the long run. at best its an assumption right?

oh yes. theve been there. of course. some things are logical. like... swallowing a toothpick is ill advised. i mean it can get stuck on the way down. but doesnt it kinda depend on the way you swallow it? maybe if you break into pieces? understand what im saying? you can try to guide me down...

ok..im the toothpick alright..

but isnt it my choice how i go down? what if i go up instead. something surprising happens and i get lodged up in the brain somewhere...sorry.. not the brain.. but..the route that milk travels when it spills outta your nose you know? that would suck. but it would also suck if i got stuck. i can kill the person who tryed to swallow me. or at least cause serious pain. or they could be just fine and ill be dissolved and they can gloat about swallowing a toothpick.

i dont feel like getting into detail. i feel a pity party coming along and thats not what i want. i only know of at least one person who reads this but im just clarifing this in case someone decides to write 'poor baby, heres a hug'. but a hug would be nice. a swift kick in the ass too.

alli know is that im going to be fucking happy. im happy now. i dont se what i need to change really. i know there are a few things. theyve brought up some importnt ideas that are pretty resonable. and i beleive them. and should work on them. but all this doubt and al lthis change your very way of being. they dont undestand that its impossible. there are other people involoved. and these people i care about deeply. and give my soul to save them. just as i would for the people giving me the advice to drastically change. they dont beleie that though... thats my fault.. but ive been working on it i think...

what was i saying?

yes. the doubt. the doubt makes me unhappy. i worry a lot. too much. i complain a lot too. i dont need added shit i never considered before. once again... i dont wanna search for things to make me unhappy. oh.. but if i brought that up. thed say its maturity. grow up and face facts. fuck off. if you were in my mind you wouldnt see it as any problem. why are there so many layers? fuck..theres surface. and a layer underneathe. that you gotta read. like poetry or a book. maybe theres another layer.. but 5 6 fucking layers? why do i even have to look so far. do you want me to die of a heart attack due to high blood pressure when i hit 30? pft..course not... insert rolleyes

ya..so im happy now. right at this momment no. but overall i am. after things liek this occur. to re evaluate certain things. nothing seems not enough. yits liek when you almost die. you appreciate life later on. or at least thats what they say. this is the same thing. ill be happy with whti have. and ill improve the things im not comfortable with. BUT!

tihs is what they dont undestand.

they think i wont be comfortable with it in the end. or..sorry. they know. and its for my own good that chane or what not. or at least..grow up..mature blah blah. thats all well and good. but i dont see it that way. ill agree with some things. i say what i agree with. but im sorry. you cant convince me or force me to grow up anyway. i for one think im immature about a lot of things. being lazy and such. full heartedly agee. but no. im not 110% immauture. and look .i fi am. why dont you let me learn it on my own eh? if you try and try again and it isnt working. why dont you leave it you ve not gonig to convince me the 34th time that i am right? ill tell you did. but at that point.. its equivalent to fuck off.

the way i see it. let me lear on my own. let me fall on my face ok? say i told you so. and ill say ya fuck. you did. and THAT IS HOW YOU LEARN. i can take peoples advice. but im going with my gut. my logical thinkig isnt the same as everyone elses. of that im sure. because we all have different opinions based on our differnt experiences. who knows why cyruss is a homophobe right? or why Sophia likes football. genes or someshit? who cares. anyway..


dont pity me. i needed to rant. i feel better. i dont care. fuck it fuck it all.. i understand... i get it now... im sorry...ill go think about it..your right... im wrong..sorry.. no right and wrong...just..i understand..i get it..


goodnight


cant wait till monday
5 | comment?

Call me a mother a worry ward or wtv the fuck... [Tuesday 02:35pm]
havent heard from her and its 2 35...

am i worried? .. ya a little...
just because she usually sends me a nudge in the morning or at least is online but away...
her sis being online is comfort too..

but she isnt.. and i dont want ot call to sound all worried like a concerned parent...
i dont know if she is ok though.. im sure she is cause she said something about stephs house..

and signing up for dance..
but..

if i dont see or here from her by 4..im calling...

fuck that shit
4 | comment?

Layout please? [Thursday 12:10pm]
steph...your never online so you suck. im blocked arent i? untill you feel like you want to talk to me :(

anyway..i need a new layout... sophia has had about 50 of them already.

i think mine needs an upgrade. maybe something with chester from linkin park? something with sophia? i dont know... i dont prefer any colors really... just.. think of me..and what do you see? then do it?

thanks..

homegirls forever
6 | comment?

[Saturday 08:20pm]
Heres my day

went to work.. got a lift.. was nice... no stupid busses

long ass shift despite it being 5 hours. lots of people. lots of things to do. just draning.

saw my love. couldnt hug her or even hold her hand or give her a five five. made me sad. but she makes me happy.

found out my hours for next week. they good. me like. i dont like fucking meeting. but fine... ill listen to the shit..

parents got home from a week trip. talk to mom bout it. blah blah. you know. usual convo.

here goes......

i removed a day ago or two days ago food my mom prepared for us while she would be in Miami. my thoughts were that id be really hungry.. and want to eat. my brother as well would be home (or so i thought cause he went capming or someshit and diditn tell me agoddamn thing about it) and my parents would be hungry perhaps.. and my grandparents who went to pick them up might stay for dinner. resonable no? anyway.. when i get home home from work.. almost 2 hours travelling time by the way. when iget home from work i pop some penne into the oven and set it all up. this is the point i talk to my mom.

go downstairs. cause i was planning to eat of course, and asked them if they were hungry. yes. .a little, but basically a yes. so i throw in more pasta after the penne is done.

i start eating. my mom then says

why did you take all that food out?

i stated the reason for this above.

she then says

well if thats the case why are we not eating together. why am i watching you eat?

i said, well, it doesnt matter, cause ill still be here when you get your food and ill be watching you eat.

she proceeded to tell me how i couldve put them in at the same time. i said that i didnt really consider that cause i wouldnt know how long to set the timer for but i knew for the individual tthings.

she is skepticle. she beleives all i did was put everything in the friendge cause i beleived that she would be upset if the food she made wasnt eaten and that means me and my brother ate out a lot. my response. no no. it isnt that. its what i said of course.

she once again says it doesnt makes sense and re explains the reasons why and how i couldve done it to acheive what i said i wanted which was to eat with them.

i then said well ya i couldve done it better, your right.

though. for her. it doenst add up.

she doesnt bleieve me.

so i tell her to relax her mind, calm down essentially, an "take confort in the fact that i did do it for that reason" though i didnt acheive it in the best way possible.

ensue quiet anger and hurtfullness. apprently. the relax part of my making her feel better was an attack. of course. my dad is a fucking idiot too and doesnt see it. so im getting a look from him. i know what my mom is upset about. but she went behind me to take care of the food or whatnot. she comes back and is red faced, not from a tan, but from tears. my thoughts are.. jesus fucking christ this is idiocy. but iask her to tell what is wrong and whats bothering her. she says nothing. i ask if she wants to talk. and id like to know whats bothering her. my attepmts to make her feel better would only be possible if she told me where the problem really is. at this point, after my dad tells me "she tried to tell you before" translation: your dear mother was just trying to talk and let her feelings know but her jerk asshole of a son didnt want to listen.

i got up. dusted my plate from meat sauce. dishwashered it. and told them if they chose to question my intentions, and view things in the worst way possible, then its their choice, because i offered to talk and what i really wanted to know was about their trip and let them know that i missed them and if they missed me. welll.. not the exact words.. but essentially thats what it was. now im in my room.

im not feeling very happy.

hered the plan

i paln to accumalate all my money fromthe current job i have. close to 100% of it. and move the fuck out of this hole im supposed to call home. im more comfortable at the school park then at home. anyway.. im moving out. as quick as damn possible. i can live without 4 course meals and steak once a week and home cooked stuff. i can live without TV. gimme a computer. thats what i need. and a frekin microwave. im done with this. i gave them i chance to talk. if they expect me to apologize, or go to them. im sure as fuck not going to..

thanks
5 | comment?

[Friday 01:02am]
i didnt enjoy today. not at all really. nothing seems towork out the way I want it to. yes.. i like to get what i want sometimes. just.. once every two moths or something .especially when it comes to that. on one hand its.. ' i understand wheere your coming from' but ion the other hand its 'fuck you.. how bout looking at from my perspective?" fuck. tired of having to go an hour going.. then an hour going back home because of this fear that will inevitably happen anyway.

lets make one thing clear. i do not mind taking my time to see someone i love with all my heart. but i do it causei want to. i do it cause she wants me to. i dont do it cause THEY give me no other choice to!! yes. its my decsion.

for those of you who even read my journal.. id like to clarify that i love Sophia Biondi. i sure as hell do. i know what love is. i know what love feels like. i know the diffenrence between liking, loving and lusting after a person. we talk on the phone at least 5 times a week at nght. on msn any chance i get and we have a healthy relationship in all aspects of what a relationship is. we talk about more than just out feelings aabout eachother.. we talk about many topics and we arent afraid to say what we think and feel aout things. we have pet names for eachother. we tease eachother. we know how one another feels. im not along for any ride. im not doing anything because its easy, or because i want something out of it. im not interested in a fling, or anything relating to a connection thats temporary with a person. fuck anyone who says or thinks otherwise. and if you do.. quite frankly, i couldnt give a shit about what you think.

i love her because she makes me smile even when im pissed of or utterly sad, much like today. thousgh today.. it got the best of me.. she smiled.. and i couldnt help but frown even further since i knew i couldnt caress her cheek and hold her close and kiss her lips for fear of her hesistation due to other entities floating around. am i being resonable. no. i admit it. as far as me, and her, alone goes.. a parent would say fuck no. though when theres a worry about PROXIMITY to aloneness.. in this case... RDP and my house... then theres an issue here im not happy with. and im sorry to know.. that my love isnt happy with either.

i leave her house so often it feels like idont belong. im not leaving cause i need to anymore... im leaving cause im not wanted. im a senstive guy. i know that. so im liely taking this to heart. but consider it for a momment. perhaps you'll see where im coming from.

a talk today served nothing really. i was being smiled at and 'agreed' with but the position is the same and all i felt like after the fact was like a complete idiot.. baring my soul only to be told that i just dont get it cause im too young (stupid) to really understand anything thats going on. so when i told you when you asked was a happy with the result. i said. ya. i guess. im happy it didnt turn into a flat out rejection.. but its like talking to my mom and the importnace she places on having my room cleaned. its all placation on both ends... and you give up becuse you just want to lay down to sleep.

what tops it is this idea that i am now a problem in their household. i am not the boyfriend anymore. im the newly adopted child they cant repremand so they can only bitch and compalin and bad mouth when im not around. i dont feel welcome in that house anymore. i dont care if they ask you a million times how im doing and if im coming over. i dont feel like im really wanted, but im endured and being making the best out of. bad sentance but its been a long day.

Andrew's Mind

Wake up
Shower
Bus
Metro
Walk
Her House
Hair
Her House
Park
Park2
Bus
Par3
My House
Dinner
Coffee
Goodbye My Baby

Reality

Wake up
Shower
Bus
Metro
Walk
Her House
Hair
Her House
...
high emtions
a talk
sun tan
McD
Her House
I Leave.. once again.. i leave

im working at GUESS now and it passes right by her house when on the bus.

i dont like leaving. i want her to leave sometimes. i want to be the one sayin have a nice trip. be safe. im thinking of you. i talk to you soon. why? BECAUSE! because i dont want to spend a day with her only having to take that long walk back to the metro. icant describe the feeling i get. its really hard. it feels like ill never see her again. it feels like i did something wrong and am being punished for it. but.. we can't always get what we want right?

im done with this. but not really. its late and i can keep talking. but i forgot what i was gonna type.. got lost in my own thoughts.

Good Night All
Im alright. ill deal with it. i want to. i need to. i love her. and id do anything for her.

PS: Condolences to a friend's uncle who passed.
1 | comment?

[Monday 12:30am]
01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal.
11 | comment?

[Thursday 07:39pm]
havnrt made an update in a while..
i got some issues

been searching for a job... i got no takers..im getting really tired of it. do i want to work no. do iwant money? yes. so a job is neccassary... and ive been hunting for the last several month... and no.. no grocery sttores thank you.

my main issue now is cash flow. shit is too expensive and i cannot buy anything anyway. on a side note.. my eye is all fucking red for some reason.

i need photopaaper. i dont want to pay 40 plus dollars for fucking school material...

i havent practiced my singing in a while now.. its annoying...cause i want to sing right now..

feels like i havent been alone with my love for the longest time. fine.. all can arguwe...you see eachother everyday at school...blah blah blah... but when you find someone you fall in love with... threes a crowd.. and just the two pof you plus dozens of other people with unfamiliar faces ends up having the same result. anyway... maybe im just a guy or something...

comics are keeping my mind occupyed with fun though its lacking in substance lately.

school... i mtired of it. it should just end. no more exams etc. im tired of papaers and panish class and crap revolving around spending money and reading stuff i just lost interest for a month or so ago.....

they casted the guy from That 70s Show in spiderman.. i have no idea what role that skinny kid is gonna play but alrighty.

i want a job. i want in at fucking paramount. damnit Cyruss. do it man. fucking do it.

6 months with my baby on the 22nd. turns out were likely to be busy. though! she would come over no problem.. stupid brothers birthday you see... but of course... she will ..almost 99% sure.. be going up to her fucking shack or wtv north to do the same thing she does at home expect theres a lake close by. me = sad/angry/ plus many other stuff. but..saturday..im taking her out

found out she has a job interview... my girlfriend is gonna have a job before i do. this is just great. i got 6 months experience over two years and she has none... yet shes getting the takers. im jealous really. all it is. and my manlyness is being attacked cause well.... im going to feel like the drunk idiot on welfare having the wife support the family or something.

chirst.. last night i got no sleep. missed photo. steph didnt put my name on attendance and i cant use her photopapaer. me = angry.

but im angry at the world and for lack of better words..im PMSing. im also not using capital letters cause im too damn lazy and this thing should do it for me to speed up the writing process...

i havent written in what feels like months... im a complete ass.

anyway..

bye.. im going to go sulk and mindlessly look for jobs on the internet now...
comment?

everywhere [Saturday 03:23pm]
the feeling of getting away with murder is fantastic. i think i know how bonnie and clyde felt when they were robbing banks abd so on. even though the act itself was so trivial, it was real and passionate for some reason. and something was in the air...it felt great

i fucked up. not quick enough. losing my touch. im getting caught for everything i say. and i havent said very much to begin with. she told me not to anymore. i havent. or at least...cut it down by 80%. good start. but not good enough. im sad. it wasnt fair. life sucks sometimes. i gotta deal

joey's band is looking for a vocalist. he didnt ask me. but made me aware. i want to. but im afraid. they might not want me at all but the idea is there. and i want to go for it...or at least...practice...and get over my self conciousness. im going to sing some RHCP, incubus, APC when my parents leave... il lremember that im not maynard and so on... i have to sing as they do not like they do...anyway..

my parents arent pissed. dissapointed. i dont think its bugging them at all really. but it hit them hard so they hit hard back i suppose. fucked up the cloud i wqas on. i fell really hard. and i got no one here with me. even my baby feels so far away. i miss her. and love her to death. and i keep dragging her in the mud with me...

sorry everyone. i really am sorry. i get prank msn emails now too. i forgot about that. some guy retelling the old jokes and insults directed at me. its pretty easy to roll of my chest. it doesnst get to me. i admit that it bugs me that someone still feels the need to attepmt to torment me but i cant control other people. i know who it is anyhow. no point in calling them out.. other people suck. i dont give a fuck if you're jealous, intimidated or lack affection. i dont care if its your parents fault either for not raising you right. you got as much responsibility as they do in raising yourself. i've been around italiens who go off with the uneducated accent of bro, me i...over dere mi i dont even knoooow yooouuu oh!
do i fucking talk like that. fuck no. and these people are all over the place. fucking italiens and greeks who sound so damn stupid yet think they own the world.
whatever..

i love all my friends. im sorry. i feel ive been neglecting some of them. i don;t even see Tiino anymore. he bugs the hell out of me a lot. though i love the bastard...

Love you Sweetheart

im gone..
5 | comment?

Community [Thursday 06:21pm]
http://www.livejournal.com/community/ohh_so_flawless/

check out this community
aint that a great name for a community too?

Beautiful [Sunday 03:13pm]
[ mood | ... ]

despite not being able to get into frekin foofs cause they carded my love. despite not seeing francis on his b day who i came all the way there for. despite feeling like it was a complete waste of a day considreing thre travel time. it was beautiful...

it was perfect. and it was comfortable. i wish i was with her like that everday. i wish i was with her everyday, no matter what the situation. i love her to death..
i need to get my temp. im a moron. and i stiill have nt gotten it. why? lazyness. also. i dont care about driving? im stupid. though i want to drive. sigh... i really want a loft actually...

cant wait till school is over. though i need a job. i dont want to go on vacation with my parents. i hope they dont force it down like last year. cause im not into the family vacation thing. i actualyl want a job. lets hope paramount will hir eme. or perhaps mike had said that i have the look of someone who could do his position at biche or whatever. id like getting those 20 dollar tips no problem.

i love you

Andrew

8 | comment?

Shitty [Saturday 12:14am]
Shitty Day. had english. that was a great class actually. The Metamorphosis is such a great book. though only 42 pages long.so i was like...fuck. anyway...we didnt get to anylyze though i was really anxious to.

on another note: if your reading this Jay. i don't know shit about what it is you were referring to the last time and meant nothing by my post. really...i was talking about myself. not you at all. anyway...

played cards with my buddy Cyruss and my love Sophia. i actually won games. and won more than she did. hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha...

cyruss won 10 times...bastard

i left when they had class. im..ehhh...grounded or something? ya. pretty gay. talking on the phone too late. very gay..

went home. took a shower...sang. i suck. i think ill have to get it through my mind sooner or later.

havent really spoken to anyone. played some games which i havent played in a while. WC3 for instance. yup. laggy shitty servers...pffft

watched some TV with parents. my mom called my cell to find out where i went. i was in my room. she was in the basement. talk about waiting minutes....

havent spoken o anyone over msn at all. aside from a few exchanges with my love, and steph....

yup.

today kinda sucks. i hate feeling like im wasting time. and i wwant to write, yet dont want to write. its weird...
comment?

takes another guy [Tuesday 07:46pm]
[ music | The Exies- Ugly, My Godess, Genius among others ]

i read Jason's LJ. it sounded like me a lot actually .and i was surprised. he was annoyed about compalining. yet that in itself is a complaint. wow. that really hit me. i was like, what the fuck? is that me bitching again?

whatever. point is. i dont know whats going on in his life. not rally, i read his LJs for sure. always liked the guy. though his time around Eric made me doubt him constantly. ah whatever. i miss the Kiri ans Chip days. i got so fat and we all got so pimplely. lol. wow.

pity sucks. it feels good for the momment. but it doesnt last. im a lazy fuck. i blame the world when much of what happens can likely be avoided by certain steps. i love my parents for example. but i say i hate them. i call them names behind their backs. cause they don't get it. i bitch to my friends and tomy love about them. and im afraid im just protraying them as assholes. they arent. i know that. just governed by their own experiences. i know they love me. but i just dont see eye to eye with them. whatever. once again. whatever...

they don't get me. i get them. and they think they get me. seriously though...gotta learn to change my ways to have a better and happier atmosphere. no lying on the couch with my love. fine. door open? ok. no phone calls after 10 30...ill have to live though it will be really hard.

sacrifices for the greater good.

ya Jay. unlike you i don't know if anyone reads my LJs...or if they get buried underneathe more important ones. but the fact remains, it should be for you. and this should be for me. not for anyone else really. i love my friends. i love my parents. i love my Heart. its easy to say it. i should take steps to showing it. and i've only serviced two out of the three...


Signed,
However you know me as

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mmm [Saturday 06:18pm]
[ mood | i'm good ]

i think guys go through something that's pretty similar to pms. and we got mood swings a lot too. as friday started off well, i felt i steered the wrong direction after Cat pretended not to know what our bet was over msn. i don't think it was that which got me upset at all. i didnt even know what was bothering me. all i knew is that i was at my beauty's house with steph and i couldnt think of what pictures to take and how all i wanted was for everyone to dissapear but her. the week had been great i think. apprently i was cute and stuff heh. though friday mustve ended it for me. and for her too. i fucked up i think. i put thoughts in her mind. doubts cause of my doubts. not good . considering i don't have any. ive never doubted my feelings. i knew from day one that i was in control. bah whatever.

here's to you:
no doubts. never. i get in moods sometimes. but thats greed i think. wanting you all the time. no sleep last night cause all i thought about was how it could and might be and longed for it. am i off my mood? heh. well...perhaps i am.
end

hope you guys had fun today, shopping and what not. im off pretty soon to a boring b day party where im sure il be yelled at later for not socialzing with my grandparents. sigh. i shaved. i think that was my highlight of the day. facinating hmm?

i'm done.

i don't even know if anyone even reads my journals...well...they are for me so :P

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yea umm... [Sunday 10:51pm]
about my last journal?

scratch that last part out about her not seeing my face..


yeeeaaaaa.....i did it...

heh
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Weekend [Sunday 09:43am]
[ mood | blah ]

well, i had said to myself that i would update this thing every day...and...look whar happened..heh

friday was great. i loved it. after i waited for Sophia till 2 30...i finished at 10. yuup...anyway...it was picture day, as it always is, or, a daythat steph and I dubbed picture day. and well, steph decided to pass up on it.

so it was me an Sophia. we went to jarry park. it was snowing beautifully earlier and wasnt now, and the wind picked up and the tempture lowered so i was shivering and Sophia was laughing and her cuteness made me run after her.

we stopped at steph's house...i just wasnt in the photo mood :S... and we chilled there for what felt like 20 minutes...but mustve been an hour..with Sophia yelling in my ear...telling me we cant stay there. we left..

we went to burger king for 'food' as Sophia would say. she paid. i felt ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh about it.

we talked a lot about serious kinda things then we genuinely laughed at the silliness we were both doing. it was beautiful. she was beautiful.

we then went to her house and did a photo shoot. she looked fantastic and to say the least. i really had to control myself. i am a weak weak man. yup. anyway, she...was really wow...and hopefully the pictures come out that way. i tried to rewind but it isnt rewinding. i fear i didnt put the film properly. i fear that i wont be able to rollit in even if i did. im scared outta my mind about it cause it was a lot of work. and i lot of emotion put into those pictures. whatever. wont forget that night...

last night was great. we went to "see" a movie. In Good Company. i give it 63 thumbs up. i got a souvenir ;). though got carried away. sry bout that :S.

today...grandmothers 6 month anniversary of her death. going to church and the works. gonna suck but...tradition and all that...

though friday and sat ere amazing days.
i think my high is done with this sunday..

not seeing Sophia today. i think she needs a break from my face anyhow..heh


im done

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[Monday 09:45pm]
[ mood | horny ]
[ music | Dredg ]

immensely bored...mmm....
today was an ok day. got to see ma douyette (now i wonder if im spelling that right..) in the morning which surprised the crap outta me. we had a hugging momment and id dint want to let go....but we had class. stupid school.
anyway...class sucked....8 photos came out which made me really sad. and they prolly all suck anyhow...
went downtown which only further made me hot cause of the 3 shirts i was wearing and the fact that the very same douyette was in a mood that was like ummmm i dont care but i feel like teasing...kinda mood? or something?
bah
anyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyway
msn doesnt work...had taken two showers....beat that gravity vall game on ebaums...now im staring at a phucking screen....
my life...at this momment. sucks :)

2 | comment?

Memory [Saturday 08:40pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | does it matter? ]

yesterday was a beautiful day. wasnt too cold, sun was up above, and class was over quick. was time for photography.
chilled with steph (i took her otta CC...bet shes not sorry though ;)) and cyruss tino, among others.

My heart finished classes and we dragged her to take pictures with us...her with her digital...us with our old crappy ones.

though the pictures were fun...the company was better. honestly. no one else could have made it any better. i thought perhaps cyruss, but it woulda been differnt. and when something is perfect, you dont want it to be differnt.

we tlked for what seemed like 20 minutes...time flew...we laughed, talked about serious to light hearted things. i loved it. i want to do it again. relaxed you know. the kinda feeling that shouldnt be ended. the company was amazing..

steph was cute with the camera, Sophia always looks amazing.....sigh...i miss yesterday. it was so perfect. i miss my baby, i miss her smile...i really miss her laugh...and i really really(i sound like im 4) miss her eyes...

bah....

maybe this friday again?

when will i see you again?
i fear itll be on monday...

yesterday was amazing. i cat say it enough. so comfrtable. and i kinda sang...actualyl opened up at one point before realizing what i was doing...shows what amazing company can do...

love you guys...(girls are the best)..im all sappy and stupid...
i love it

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